The more I grow, the more I bottled up things to myself. Amused. People think I’m a good person and yet I know who I am. And now, I feel lost and away from the reality. I’m alive but feeling dead. What have I done? I have to come back to my senses. Being able to understand myself is such a hard thing to do like how do I make sense of my thoughts and feelings. Is there an instruction manual on life because I need one. Hah, it’s my fault from the beginning. Rather smiling is the best camouflage. Although my thoughts start to waver. How my heart develops uncertain feelings. I need to smile like usual. Feelings other than gratefulness is still emerging right now. 

I’m at loss for words. What should I say? I shouldn’t expect much. It won’t be over with just me being tortured. I might have exaggerated things a little bit. I don’t really get it. How to say it, I’m really confused. I can’t help having foolish thoughts. Uncontrollable foolish thoughts. Then I feel agonized. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I’ve lost, that I can’t carry on. When I think of that I feel I’m still not good enough. Worrying about things on one’s own. Gradually I’ll be swallowed by the burden in my heart. I don’t imagining things though, I’ve been like this quite frequently. It’s like a wall I need to pass, to go to the next stage. When did I start becoming this weak? I have become like an empty shell. I have started feeling uneasy and inferior. Was I like this before?